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I should start by saying I read your article about attractive women having a hard time dating – and while I relate to that, I feel the answer of “be vulnerable and trust people” is wonderful but not enough.
I have an unusual job – I work at a bikini bar and am a professional motorcycle rider.
Most people would not assume I was an ugly duckling the majority of my life– and finding love was a lot easier back when.
So here is my problem/ question: I am not attracted to the nice men that like me because they tend to be so intimidated by me. I’ve never gotten a question like this, and I’m rarely tongue-tied when it comes to delivering a measured response. That doesn’t mean many white, black and Hispanic people don’t get good grades or that there aren’t some Asians who flunk out of school.
The sleazy guys give up fast because they realize I am not what they are looking for. I’m reminded of a letter from an urban hipster who hung around with a bunch of skateboarding artists and wondered why it was so hard for her to find love. I’m a clean-cut guy who has no tattoos and is afraid of motorcycles (sorry, but the injury risk is REALLY high! But if you look at Asians on top college campuses, you can see they’re disproportionately represented compared to the general population.
When I approach men, they tend to be rude to me and blatantly brush me off…like being bullied in Jr. If I recall, I told her that skateboarding artists are, in general, not the most emotionally or financially stable people around, and that she should consider expanding her search beyond her chosen community. ) I do my best to be non-judgmental, but I fail sometimes. I know this is a big tangent, but it’s an important one.
One of the perils of this job is that you’re forced to rely on generalizations and stereotypes. Chances are, someone’s already gotten mad at the fact that I said that artists are not as emotionally or financially stable as other people. From Jonah Lehrer’s “Imagine”: “Andreasen found that 80 of writers (in the Iowa Writers’ Workshop in the early 1980’s) met the formal diagnostic criteria for some type of depression.
There’s no way around it, unless you want to deny reality. She also found that nearly 40 percent of the successful creative people she investigated had bipolar disorder, a rate that’s approximately twenty times higher than it is in the general population. I’m not attacking every single bikini/biker on Planet Earth.
It’s not that stereotypes are always true, it’s that they’re often true – which is why people rely on them so frequently. More recently, the psychiatrist Hagop Akiskal found that nearly two-thirds of a sample of influential European artists were bipolar.” Is it any surprise that (some) creative artists are more likely to suffer from depression – not just because of their artistic temperament, but because of the financial instability of their career choices? Hell, I was never more depressed than I was in my 20’s when I was trying to make a living selling screenplays and had to support myself with odd jobs for 25K/year. Bikini/biker culture is not one for such conformity. I’m using shorthand heuristics to point out that perhaps bikini bars aren’t the optimal culture for a nice girl who wants to settle down.
So when I say that artists aren’t always great bets as romantic partners, understand: it’s not an attack on artists; it’s an observation based on numerous studies. This doesn’t mean you must quit your job to find love. b) A lot of nice guys may not be intimidated by you, but they may be turned off by your job and culture.
Without having any studies handy, what observations would you have about bikini bar culture and motorcycle culture? Nor does it mean you have to disavow your bikini/biker friends. Same way I’d guess a lot of biker chicks would turned off by vanilla guys like me.Tags: Adult Dating, affair dating, sex dating