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I was feeling pretty anxious about the 21-hour train journey from Belgrade to Bucharest.

I was expecting to turn up at the house and find a disgusting nest of cyberpunk depravity‚ÄĒbeautiful tragedy-eyed boys and girls in varying degrees of undress hoovering internet drugs off each other as they jigged about to whatever Western club music is currently setting the cultural pace in Romania (Steve Aoki? But what greeted me upon arrival was disappointingly pedestrian.

I got there at noon, which would ordinarily be lunchtime.

Until July I shared an apartment in England with two cousins, Lorenz and Alessandro.

When I moved out at short notice, I was worried that I'd left the pair in the lurch, but as it turned out my timing couldn't have been better.

"We're moving to Romania to open a catering business," they told me.

That plan seemed a little unusual, not to mention completely economically unviable, but they assured me that they had it all worked out.

They knew a guy who was already running a similar operation in Bucharest, they said. It's tricky to write about secrets, I told him, and after some coaxing he revealed, unsurprisingly, that it wasn't really a catering business they had opened at all, but a studio full of stripping, pouting, masturbating camgirls and camboys.

Come September, I got a message from the cousins asking if I could help out writing up some sales copy for their business. I told the pair that I didn't feel comfortable writing sales copy for that kind of thing.

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