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A friend on Facebook just pointed me to the terrific post The Art of No at Captain Awkward.com, talking about manners and ethics while dating. But I have an itch because my friend pointed to it by way of a post on the Tumblr blog Gallery of Dangerous Women which just excerpted this segment: Women are socialized to make men feel good.

We’re socialized to “let you down easy.” We’re not socialized to say a clear and direct “no.” We’re socialized to speak in hints and boost egos and let people save face. In fact, I’d argue that the ability to just say “no” to something, without further comment, apology, explanation, guilt, or thinking about it is one of the great rites of passage in growing up, and when you start saying it and saying it regularly the world often pushes back. of men just don't know about it at all, and even those who do have a hard time seeing all of the implications in women's experience. Indeed, I'm a fella who read a bunch of feminist theory as a teenager and committed to it seriously and almost three decades later I have to admit that I still labor to truly appreciate the implications.

People who don’t respect the social contract (rapists, predators, assholes, pickup artists) are good at taking advantage of this. I can tell you from that experience that it is difficult for even attentive and conscientious men to figure out how to operate ethically and effectively in the face of our failure to make clear consent a part of our culture.

I can also tell you from that experience that most women — including most feminist women — don't realize how tricky this situation is for men.

The beauty of that The Art of No post is that it focuses, as we should, on the risks and problems which this presents for women but also takes seriously the challenge that men face at the same time and provides some sophisticated answers for how men should navigate these waters.

So check it out before you even get to the rest of my post.

I also recommend spending some time with that link above to Shakespeare's Sister talking about rape culture because the first order of business is to look at how this affects women before I get all What About Teh Menz ...

indeed I think that the point I want to make about men's perspective on this only makes sense if you take rape culture seriously. Like, there's guys that just have this confidence, and they can like go out with a girl, know when to lean in and kiss her and shit.

That said, let me invoke the slogan I don't know how I ever got laid, really, ’cause I was awful at it. I just — I couldn't, I would just go “Ca N i Fu Ck Yo U? I remember one night, I was with a girl, I was like twenty years old, I was already doing standup, and I did a show in Washington DC. ” I was like, “Because you didn't want to.” She's like, “Yes I did!

And after the show one of the waitresses came back to my hotel. We were making out, in my hotel, and she's into it, she's like humping me. And then the next night I saw her at the club and she goes, “Hey, what happened last night? I was really into it.” I was like, “W-why did you keep stopping me?

So I start to put my hand up her shirt and she stops me. So then we're making out more, and I start to put my hand on her ass, and she stops me. ” And she goes, “Because I wanted you to just gives me the Cold Spooky every time I watch it. If you're not familiar with CK, I should underline that he affects a kind of Dopey Middle-Aged White Guy persona, but his cultural politics are not-so-secretly smart and sharply observed.

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